I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
