Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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