i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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