You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
