So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I did not marry a roomba.
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