Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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