I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You dont lie about slip and slides
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
