just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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