when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
