Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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