im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
