im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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