I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Vodka?
Forever.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
