i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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