Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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