So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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