u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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