i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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