Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
