I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
