ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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