I just pynch a tree in the face
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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