very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
