i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
