one might say we're banned from that church
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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