She is in my trunk
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
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I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
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Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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