i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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