I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
