We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
