i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
