The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
