Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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