I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
