Betty ford says i'm here all night
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
