What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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