I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
