Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
