Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
