dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
