dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just threw up on my dentist
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
