i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
