So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
