I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
