In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
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I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
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YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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