I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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