apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
