How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
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