i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
