He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
