I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
