Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
