I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
This baby is an asshole
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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