it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Just cropdusted the office
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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