i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
