She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
