Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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