Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Randomize
