shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
