Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
