Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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